I sat on a parking block outside the Waffle House. Jaz had sent me an essay of a breakup text I was too lazy to read. I felt a lump in my throat. My eyes froze on the letters of the word “friends” as they morphed into a tangle of garden snakes that hissed and gave me a chill. I mean, what was I supposed to say? “Yeah, that’s okay. We can still be friends.”
Last summer, we biked on MLK Drive. She sped ahead of me, her braids flying around her shoulders under her helmet. I could smell her strawberry lip gloss as she whizzed by. When I finally caught up to her, she (impressively) leaned across me and rang my bike bell. She cracked up before shooting ahead of me again.
Seeing the text made me feel like that again– slow, frazzled, left behind, and heartsick. Maybe it was for the best. I'm probably doomed to be a rebound hang, an amusement, forever in the friend zone. Whatever.
A pair of high beams lit up my face. Shielding my eyes, I stood up from the parking block and backed against the wall. A car pulled into the space. The headlights went down. I smiled. Kassidy, whose whole look screamed “anime goth girl,” climbed out of the driver’s seat. The only uncharacteristic thing about her outfit was a button of the Kool-Aid Man, smashing through a blue wall, yelling his signature “Oh Yeah!” Her girlfriend and polar opposite, Malaina, stepped out of the passenger side. Her aesthetic was somewhere between coquette and e-girl. How these two found each other and kept it going, I have no idea. Knowing them, it probably involved Esports and a metal concert.
“‘Sup, Wheelie?” Kassidy snorted.
“Missed you, too, Kass,” I replied.
She gave me a much-needed hug. Malaina gave me one as well. I followed them inside.
The bell above the door rang as we entered.
“Don’t they close early on Fridays?” I asked.
“Nah,” Kass said, pushing the door open. “They only close when they’re in imminent danger.” She pointed to a poster advertising the establishment’s newest food product.
“Wanna try the new strawberry waffle?” Kass joked, pointing to the poster.
“It looks… Infected,” I replied, noticing the pink spots on the waffle.
We found an empty booth by the window. Kass and Malaina sat next to each other. I sat across from them. Being with them was comforting. Their dissonance from each other had a harmonizing effect on me, like they were the cool older siblings and I was the little brother they could impart their wisdom onto (a strange thought, as we were all seniors). After ordering our food, I told them everything.
“She broke up with you over text?” Malaina asked, wide-eyed.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I didn’t wanna read the whole thing.
“Lemme see that,” Kass said, reaching out. I handed my phone over to her, and she read my texts out loud. “It says, ‘I didn’t want to say this to you before, but you’re too attached. I feel stifled but I don't want to hurt you. I don’t think we should be together, but maybe we can still be friends?’”
Kass handed back my phone. “I mean, she’s not wrong.”
“Don’t say that!” Malaina said, slugging Kass in the arm. “But also, yeah, you can be kinda clingy sometimes.”
“I’m not clingy! She broke my heart. I should be mad at her,” I said, almost sitting up in protest.
From how the table shook, Malaina could tell I wasn’t in the right headspace. “Let’s all take a breath,” she said, calmly.
We all did. Malaina looked me dead in the eyes. “Start from the beginning.”
***
To celebrate the last day of classes, the other seniors planned on getting wasted in the auditorium, but I was desperate for any excuse to get out of it. I mean, nobody was gonna make me go, but over the last few years, I’d built up a reputation as the reclusive nerd who lives in the library and never parties. Lemme be clear: I’m not reclusive. If I can have at least one meaningful conversation with someone I genuinely enjoy seeing, I can say I’ve had a good day. I also don’t live at the library. But if there’s no class between noon and six (and given that I’ve packed enough snacks from my dorm), I could basically spend the entire day there. I didn't wanna go to the party, but I also didn’t wanna look like a nerd. I needed an excuse to get out of the party, so I texted Jaz.
WHEELIE: Hey, I was thinking we could go out to celebrate. U down?
Gray bubbles. Typical.
JAZMINE: Can’t. Srry (cringe emoji).
WHEELIE: What about tomorrow?
More gray bubbles. I braced myself for the worst.
JAZMINE: I didn’t want to say this to you before, but you’re too attached. I feel stifled but I don't want to hurt you. I don’t think we should be together, but maybe we can still be friends?
I rolled my eyes in disgust. It was over.
***
The Dooling classrooms and hallways were empty. I descended into the basement, which was even more freaky at night. The auditorium was pitch black except for the fail compilations and karaoke projected onto the pull-down screens. Amid the chaos, I noticed a familiar face. Her zip-up hoodie and long, colorful hair spun as she danced along to whoever was singing.
“Jaz?”
She spun around, nearly spilling her drink.
“Oh… Hey,” she said, caught between exasperation and surprise. “I didn’t think you’d wanna come. I know you don’t usually like these things.”
I grumbled. “I thought you were busy.”
Jaz glanced over her shoulder. Fogell and Ezra were cat-fighting over the laptop for which cat video to play next, while Kass and Malaina sang a drunken duet. They fell on top of each other, causing feedback from the mic.
“So,” I started. “About that text–”
“I don’t wanna discuss this right now.”
“So, we’re just gonna break up and pretend we never saw each other?” Her silence irked me. “You’re obviously not busy.”
Jaz placed her hands on her sides, taking a breath. “Wanna help me move a couch?”
I rolled my eyes, exasperated. “Uh, sure. Anything to get me outta this.”
***
Jazz lived with her three friends, Aliyah, Lindsey, and Simon, in the Heights at the top of the hill. Among them, Aliyah was probably the most outgoing and the most involved on campus. She liked rom-coms and Audrey Hepburn, but I didn’t really connect with her beyond that. Lindsey, the quiet redhead, was the last person we expected to be cuffed by senior year. Aaron, her boyfriend, had graduated the year before and was super into magic tricks, which I guess could be a turn-on. As for Simon, he wasn’t dating any of them or anyone for that matter– he was just a stoner they were all friends with. My only distinct memory of him was in Counseling Psychology when he complimented my analysis of Adler’s Theory of Birth Order in Wes Anderson's The Royal Tenenbaums. He’s the middle of three, which probably explains his enigmatic personality. All three of them had gone to the party but hadn’t started packing yet. By the looks of it, Jaz was the only one who’d started.
I helped her move the couch because she was on the second floor and didn’t have an elevator. We lifted it off the ground pretty easily, but as soon as we reached the doorway, Jaz realized we were supposed to lay the couch on its back to fit it through the door. Initially, I thought we could flip it back the other way as we were carrying it downstairs, but we realized we could just carry it on its side the whole way.
“After four years of moving outta dorms, you would’ve thought that we’d figured this out by now,” I joked.
“Yeah,” she replied with a chuckle.
By the time we carried it out the door, we were way too tired to do anything else. We just sat there on the couch watching the sunset.
“I’m really gonna miss this,” Jaz said as she watched the sky turn from a burnt orange to cotton candy pink.
“Me, too,” I replied, softly.
My mind drifted back to the party where we met. I was squashed on a couch next to Kassidy and Malaina, who’d only just met at the time. Jaz waved to me from across the room.
“You’re in Comp and Rhetoric with Dr. Metz, right?”
“Yeah,” I replied.
Turned out we were both from Philly, but she graduated from CAPA while I was a Palumbo kid. My school was down the street from hers, so I’d always see the CAPA kids on my bus route– they had punk sensibilities that made me feel fascinated and excluded at the same time. In hindsight, I feel like my relationship with Jaz was compensating for the years I could’ve lived that life. But at that moment, I knew she left an impression on me.
Before meeting Jaz, I’d earned the nickname “Wheelie” (short for third-wheel). Sometimes, Kass would yell, “‘Sup, Wheelie!” across the quad. I would wince and hunch my shoulders but would still cross the quad to meet her. When she and Malaina got together, I was genuinely happy for them. However, dating within your friend group only works if you can still make time for your friends, i.e., the single ones, i.e., me. I third-wheeled a lot of couples freshman year, so when Jaz and I got together, we went out as much as we could.
She’d developed a formula to plan our dates: food plus activity plus dessert. My favorite was when she took me to Putt-U for mini-golf, followed by ice cream at the Inside Scoop. I told Jaz the menacing ice cream man statue looked like the Paul Bunyan statue from Fargo. She didn’t get the reference at first, so I invited her to my dorm, and we watched it together. Now, every time I drive past it, I can’t help but think of that scene from Fargo.
I was beginning to see how I took her for granted. I felt calm and comfortable with her, but I used her to get out of uncomfortable situations. She would force me to take study breaks with these spontaneous fire drills. She would holler and giggle, and then we’d have to swap seats. She made the smallest things amusing, and I know I made her seem annoying, but I was too chicken to engage with anyone else. Being with her should’ve made me less avoidant, but it didn’t. I only stayed the same.
***
We watched the sky fade from pink to purple to deep blue. “So, that text you sent me…”
Jaz turned to face me. “Yeah?”
“Did you really mean that?”
Jaz closed her eyes and took a breath.
“Look,” she started. “I love you.” I could hear the other shoe falling. “But you’re too dependent on me.”
“I know,” I said. “And I’m sorry I used you.”
We sat there for a while. The sky turned from blue to black. I finally broke the silence.
“At the end of your text, you asked if we could still be friends. Is it okay if we just, y’know, stay friends?”
Ever so slowly, Jaz turned to me and smiled. “Sure.”
After loading the couch into her car, we walked back to the auditorium. My hands swayed suggestively past hers. Jaz slipped her hands back into her jacket pockets. I took the hint. We were finally done for good.
***
“Wow, that is a LOT to process,” Malaina sighed, reclining against the booth. She’d already finished her food, as did Kass. While they took a moment to process everything, I took the time to finish up my food.
Kass leaned forward, intently. “So, what’s next?”
I stopped mid-mouthful. For the first time in what felt like forever, I actually wasn’t sure.
“Dunno yet,” I uttered. “But I know it’ll be amazing.”
THE END